Often I feel happy for no good reason. I’m a bit prone to dancing around my place in the morning.
How can I feel so happy when anyone looking at my world would really think it’s all a bit rubbish?
I’m not exactly living the conventional western dream, I don’t love my job, I don’t own a house anymore, I wonder if I’ve actually a career and mostly I still don’t know why I do the job I do and live in a city that drives me crazy some days with its sprawling urban-ness.
It’s exactly this world making me smile. It’s seeing the sun rise, it’s golden winter amber light, it’s mad cats and air-dried washing, I’ve even been smiling at the random way people walk. It’s my funky colored quilt covers and it’s connecting with people and the unexpected, the beauty of music I’ve just discovered and kiwi fruit smoothies.
I wonder if you’d have known I was happy or joyful though. While I’m generally happy I haven’t chosen to show it unless I know you a bit. It’s so easy to just think that’s the way I am and leave it at that, but in this case my behaviour was actually seemed at odds with who I am.
There’s research animals don’t bare their teeth in a smile of snarl until they’re sure of the situation, in case either is taken as a threat. In which case what was I doing? Thinking I was a monkey? That’s a rhetorical question btw, though having a tail would be handy and I like their cute monkey ears.
I think it goes down like this: I trained myself not to smile until I had the measure of you or the situation. There was a wariness there. When I was very young I was never sure how my parents would react. Not to me, to the situation. It just seemed more sensible to hold back until I saw their facial expressions and then sort it. In fact, when I think about this behaviour of mine, I inadvertently think of a childhood photo where I look exactly like that. Hey no lion was going to eat me when I was four.
For some reason I noticed it at work. My back is to the office door and when people come in and said morning, I never said hi and smiled until I’d turned around and seen their face. Yet I say hi to everyone, so it doesn’t matter who it is or whether I turn around first. I’d have been such a cave guard hero in the primal pack. Hiya! – cue random karate chop to intruders. I’m all over being wary of threats. It’s just you know, kinda redundant in modern Jane world.
I decided I don’t need the extra layer of protection anymore. I figure my intuition is enough to protect me. A four year old doesn’t have well-developed intuition but an adult does. I trust myself, so I don’t need a ‘hmm let’s see what happens’ before I react mindset. Hiya! to that idea.
So I decided it’s time to change my default state. I’d not much of a plan, less reactive, more open. A small thing but it worked for me. A bit freer with those smiles of mine. Not such a serious creature.
Could be almighty trouble..
:) :) :) :)