It’s getting harder to stay still. I’m restless. My life’s just not fitting me as well as it did a year ago.
I keep expanding what makes sense to me. I think I’m becoming grey. Sigh. Nothing feels like an absolute. If something doesn’t work out, I cry and I’m unhappy and I hurt and then on I go.
My life isn’t as black and white as it once was. It’s not I don’t care. I just don’t feel polarised by life anymore. Lol have I given up controlling everything? Who is this girl?
I want to say it’s all falling apart but it sounds so negative. It’s not. Not at all. I mean it in the sense we fall apart to construct ourselves. Falling can be a gentle thing if we know it’s coming. We can sidle up to it, like patting a timid calf, and gently reach out to it. No one has to be scared and lol hopefully no one will get bitten.
It’s the funny little quirky things which help me realise I’m on a new path. I used to loathe dance music and now I listen to Swedish djs who do just that, as often as I listen to live acoustic and 70s stuff and my grungy gods and sexy Ben (Harper that is). I don’t remember the last time I wore jeans and these days I’m a little grumpy if I can’t ride my bike everyday. I feel like a kid who’s been grounded. Today I spent the day at work in flat shoes. Uh what?! This is the woman who thought 7inch heels were low. The books I always reread when I’m a bit stressed have no appeal. The stories seem too fluffy and not quite right.
For the last few weeks it’s like the world has dawned on me. I wake up or at odd moments think I live here, this is my life. So, this is what waking up is. Looking around me and actually seeing what my life is about. Being present. It’s the strangest thing. Lol though not in a best-see-a-therapist pronto kind of way. More like I’ve just worked out I made my life. I make my life.
I think this is why it’s harder to stay still. I’ve been taking the time to really look around and see my world. It’s been awesome and a bit…well cool..to see what I’ve created – the good and the feral. All up it’s quite hilarious given I could be the most uncool girl on the planet to think things are cool :) Now, it’s like I can see I’ve this bit exactly right, so what’s the next adventure? The next experiment?
I’m not planning to implode my life. I like where I live and I’m not sure I need any big gestures. I’ve done the whole imploding thing and I know how heavy it can be. It’s why you always know when it’s warranted. It’s not warranted for me now. Not to say something epic won’t happen, only it won’t be such hard work. It doesn’t need to be because right now, I’ve nothing to prove.
It’s like my soul has cartwheeled into another space and my head is having trouble catching up. It’s tugging at my hand saying come on!! much like me running down to the sea for a swim.
Lol and the song I’m obsessed with at the moment and no it’s not a DJ. It’s a cover of Only You by Mat McHugh and the Blackbird. It’s not about the lyrics, it’s a love song about a break up, but it’s the gentlest music with a voice which simply soothes. It’s the the perfect soundtrack for me now. Mesmerising.