Grey.

It’s getting harder to stay still. I’m restless. My life’s just not fitting me as well as it did a year ago.

I keep expanding what makes sense to me. I think I’m becoming grey. Sigh. Nothing feels like an absolute. If something doesn’t work out, I cry and I’m unhappy and I hurt and then on I go.
My life isn’t as black and white as it once was. It’s not I don’t care. I just don’t feel polarised by life anymore. Lol have I given up controlling everything? Who is this girl?

I want to say it’s all falling apart but it sounds so negative. It’s not. Not at all. I mean it in the sense we fall apart to construct ourselves. Falling can be a gentle thing if we know it’s coming. We can sidle up to it, like patting a timid calf, and gently reach out to it. No one has to be scared and lol hopefully no one will get bitten.

It’s the funny little quirky things which help me realise I’m on a new path. I used to loathe dance music and now I listen to Swedish djs who do just that, as often as I listen to live acoustic and 70s stuff and my grungy gods and sexy Ben (Harper that is). I don’t remember the last time I wore jeans and these days I’m a little grumpy if I can’t ride my bike everyday. I feel like a kid who’s been grounded. Today I spent the day at work in flat shoes. Uh what?! This is the woman who thought 7inch heels were low. The books I always reread when I’m a bit stressed have no appeal. The stories seem too fluffy and not quite right.

For the last few weeks it’s like the world has dawned on me. I wake up or at odd moments think I live here, this is my life. So, this is what waking up is. Looking around me and actually seeing what my life is about. Being present. It’s the strangest thing. Lol though not in a best-see-a-therapist pronto kind of way. More like I’ve just worked out I made my life. I make my life.

I think this is why it’s harder to stay still. I’ve been taking the time to really look around and see my world. It’s been awesome and a bit…well cool..to see what I’ve created – the good and the feral. All up it’s quite hilarious given I could be the most uncool girl on the planet to think things are cool :) Now, it’s like I can see I’ve this bit exactly right, so what’s the next adventure? The next experiment?

I’m not planning to implode my life. I like where I live and I’m not sure I need any big gestures. I’ve done the whole imploding thing and I know how heavy it can be. It’s why you always know when it’s warranted. It’s not warranted for me now. Not to say something epic won’t happen, only it won’t be such hard work. It doesn’t need to be because right now, I’ve nothing to prove.

It’s like my soul has cartwheeled into another space and my head is having trouble catching up. It’s tugging at my hand saying come on!! much like me running down to the sea for a swim.

Lol and the song I’m obsessed with at the moment and no it’s not a DJ. It’s a cover of Only You by Mat McHugh and the Blackbird. It’s not about the lyrics, it’s a love song about a break up, but it’s the gentlest music with a voice which simply soothes. It’s the the perfect soundtrack for me now. Mesmerising.

Smacks.

A little smack in the head for me today. Maybe it’s because I’m tired. Three flights, three countries and 24 hours in the air is the definition of a journey :)

Something was bothering me but I’d no idea what it could be. I just knew something was shifting around me like a slippery eel. Not uncomfortable but uncatchable.

Then I caught it. I’d been looking externally for something internal. Focussing on possible negative outcomes and hoping something external would change the situation. Not clever and I know better. I’d been a very, very naughty girl (apologies Monty Python) and forgotten, or chosen not to remember, this is my story.

I was playing around with old ways to make myself feel better and in control, all along forgetting I’m not asleep anymore. Inevitably I managed to feel completely disempowered.

Putting faith in the external without consideration for the internal is never going to end with a smile. I’d chosen to forget all the choices I’ve made are mine. Racing around hoping something other than me will miraculously change those choices is mad.

Disobeying all my decisions.
I deserve your suspicion.*

The situation is exactly as I made it and so can only be changed by me. Anything else blocks us, leads us into all of nothing thinking and bases future expectations on hopeful outcomes we have no control over. So fucking pointless.

Handing over the action and outcome in our lives to anything external is like saying I don’t care enough or worse I’m the victim here. It’s not the same as letting go. Letting go is a deliberate act to hand over an internal idea or situation. It’s a conscious empowering decision.

Handing over to the external doesn’t feel good. Letting go feels good. Light as air. Handing over feels we’ve a heavy heart and we’re disempowered. Believe me you’ll know when you feel it. It’s negative and there is no joy or calmness in the action. It’s an act of distrust not trust.

Focussing on the negative this last week led me to an external outlook and it hurt me. I hurt me. It wasn’t the tears I cried. Those tears had their place, it was relying on factors I couldn’t control tearing at me.

The beauty of trusting myself is trusting the world around me as it is. Inevitably I always come back to acknowledging that.

All we can give ourselves is the present.
We don’t know about the future. *

Being present really matters to me and because it does this wasn’t that huge in the end.

Not really.

A couple of days thinking in disempowering ways won’t ruin my life. In fact it probably bettered it by reminding me what being present means and how much better life feels when we’re awake. Better yet it stopped me from beating my head against a wall. I love that.

The really amazing thing? Less than 12 hours after I wrote this something incredible happened that would never have been possible if I’d not understood this. Just wow.

*Stuff and Nonsense by Paul Kelly, sung by Missy Higgins.

Turn up the love.

This awake vs sleep thing is still banging around in my brain. I can’t get it out of my head. Anytime I find myself doing something I always do, something that feels a bit mouse on a wheel, I’ve started questioning whether it’s an asleep or an awake moment.

It’s a good tool to work out if what fit me a month or a year ago or five years ago belongs here with me now. My job is a good example. I’ve always cruised along in my career (or I’ve neglected to give myself some credit) and kind of thought one day I’ll find what I love. Oh hello, how many ways have I been a half asleep little worker bee? I’ve learnt so much and I still learn a lot from what I do, however I lost sight of how those skills apply to not only my industry but a million others and how those skills give me the ability to work for myself. I’ve always wanted the freedom to consult, to write, be creative, interact with people and not be tied to a city and an office but I’ve narrowed my options for too long.

It’s not always easy and I don’t have an answer today about what to do. All I know is to trust my instinct and keep going hard for the next lily pad, knowing I’m always ok. Above all it’s a time to be open and not close down in fear because it all seems too hard. I know it’s time to turn up the love.

Sometimes it’s enough to just throw out the idea of something else, a different possibility. We don’t always have to know the exact outcome we want, we just have to be open to what comes up. After a while there is clarity, and the way becomes like a six lane highway. Solid and clear and marked by white lines to keep us headed in the right direction. Of course, after a time it’ll again become a kangaroo track, probably through sand dunes :) and each step will feel like a test of faith and we’ll have no idea which way is the way. It’s all good, it’s just the ebb and flow of life. A bit of uncertainty won’t break our hearts or bones and allows us to see so much more opportunity. Plus, for me, whether I acknowledge it or not, really, in my heart I know exactly what I want. So while I may seem consciously uncertain, I’m not really.

I suspect much of our lives are opportunities to wake up but we often choose not to see the opportunities. Maybe it’s because awake versus asleep requires us to be willing to be uncomfortable. I’ve a deal with myself to be willing to be uncomfortable when it happens. I don’t like being uncomfortable, none of us do, and yeh I know it’s not meant to be happiness and light but still, you know..ick. A deals a deal though.

A lot written about being uncomfortable discusses the idea of pushing through the discomfort to move forward in our lives. What I’ve read about willing to be uncomfortable (mostly ACT therapy*) however isn’t like that. It’s being willing to sit with, and acknowledge, discomfort without doing anything else. It’s not a method to move from A to B. It’s not a means to an end. It’s simply asking us to sit still and experience this moment of discomfort like any other moment we have. We can cry if we want or feel angry, shameful, embarrassed, guilty, anything, so long as we notice what comes up and immerse ourselves in it. After a while – 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, whatever it takes – eventually the discomfort disappears. It’s replaced with an expanded consciousness because we’ve move beyond our discomfort (and the moment). We’ve expanded our world and how could you not turn up the love on that?

* A good starting place is Dr Russ Harris’s The Confidence Gap. If you google his name you’ll find podcasts too. I like Dr Russ because he’s speaks from experience, doesn’t sugar coat psychology and reminds me it’s ok to stuff up quite a lot :)

Solid ground.

I’ve felt this need lately to let go of a lot of peripheral stuff, to pare down my life and really clarify my beliefs. I’ve been obsessed with letting things go which have no value in my real physical life. I wasn’t sure why this need was echoing through me but I found myself doing it anyway. I just want the pure, basic things now. No more complications and complexity. Too often these shroud what is really in front of us. Life is complex enough without me adding another layer to it. We don’t need to trick life up.

Becoming a bit of a skeleton now and then is perfect as it allows old beliefs to shed and let’s everything expand again, but in new ways. It’s also the best way I know to be physically present and immerse myself in all I experience.

I felt unsettled for a week or so. Vaguely irritable. Like a dog shaking water off its coat. Then I read a post by Wayne C Allen ‘On waking up – awake as compared to asleep’. Awake is being present in every way; responsible for and in engaged in, your human life. Asleep? Well if you’ve found yourself doing the same thing over and over while asking why? That’s asleep.

I was furious after I read the post. Seriously. Maddeningly so. I was angrier still at my reaction. Anger isn’t my default emotion so just you know, feck. I felt so overwhelmed because knowing it was true sucked. I thought I was awake but really I wasn’t nearly awake enough. I think this was why I was feeling the need to rummage around and shed some beliefs. I was more asleep than awake because these old ideas were hamster wheels.

Then yesterday someone I was having a casual conversation with, over the veges at the farmers market, said the same thing to me. I needed to be more physically present in my life now. Unsolicited. Gee, thanks.

Once I’d calmed down (a few hours moving furniture with the girls sorted me) I realise I’m mostly quite present and awake. Especially when I’m with people or listening to music or walking home or being creative. Most of my day, every day, is a fairly present experience, even if I’m alone. So I’m more awake than I gave myself credit for.

Being awake, for me anyway, is knowing I’ve a real life I’m responsible for living and am living, with fun and love and meaning. Life serves us best when we’re awake no matter the circumstances.

Every now and then though I get waylaid. I don’t meditate, I remember my dreams, I don’t swim in the sea for a week, something gives me a little metaphoric smack, I get lost in a past experience. Then I can disconnect a little from my physical, real life. I fall asleep. I definitely did it last week though I doubt anyone noticed but me.

People can spend months, a lifetime in a disconnected asleep state. Maybe under the guise of a structured religious belief, maybe because they were hurt, or were sick or in an unhappy relationship. We’ve all a trigger or two. We all do it a bit and some of us an awful lot. It’s an escape route for a defended heart.

It’s an escape route not rocking my world anymore. It long ago lost the power to really seduce me. The last few days proved it to me.

Even a few days of this was an exercise in misery for me. It was isolating and reminded me of the numb way I used to live (or not live) my life. Just feral.

The getting angry bit, in hindsight, was unbelievably awesome. It was what fired me up and kicked me back into the present moment and my physical life. It was unusual enough an emotion to make me pay attention and listen. I love that :) even if I did have to apologise today for some grumpy tough love advice I threw someone’s way. Oops.

l don’t know about the rest of the world but when I’m awake and present I really trust my gut instinct and my heart. The world is a much less cluttered place and a thousand things aren’t clamouring for my attention. I’m on solid ground and life makes so much more sense.

This is all a bit of a gift, even if it took me a weekend of blah-ness and muppet-ness to sort it. Uh oh… now I’m smiling :)

Signs vs Synergy

For me signs don’t exist. There are no signs in my life. None. There is only synergy.

I think what I used to call a sign is simply synergy. Synergy is a correlation with a thought I’ve already chosen or a decision I’ve made. If you decide you’re tired of living where you do, and then everywhere you look you see signs to visit Brazil, these aren’t true signs at all. These are synergies, beautiful manifestations of your thought ‘I’m tired of living where I am’.

We seem to think signs come first. We say we didn’t know what to do but then we read a blog post and understand what action to take. We call that a sign but I’m not convinced. Even the thought ‘I don’t know what to do’ is out there first. So whatever comes back isn’t a sign, it’s synergy.

Our thoughts, conscious or otherwise, are the directions. Synergies are the compass points, our north stars, or in my case, my southern cross.

I wholeheartedly belief this. I think if we read something and say aha, we already knew we wanted this information on some level. Synergy just showed it to us. It came into our spectrum from wherever subconscious thought lives. I bet many of us have said I need a sign in answer to a prayer or whatever. A sign won’t answer a question. Synergy will because we’ve given our thoughts to the universe already.

We have big minds and we can never discount our subconscious and its ability to ask for what we need. The results aren’t always wonderful though. Oh man, don’t underestimate that. Not all synergies are wonderful. Well, not in the way we think of the word wonderful.

Some synergies are beds of nails for a while and some are like the most euphoric morning and some are just the beauty of every day moments. All are synergies though. Not signs.

A synergy reminds me I’m part of the universe. We’re our bodies and a spiritual soul and the two meet in the life we live. Once in a while we see the synergy in it all.

I write this with awe. This is one of my favourite ideas. Synergy reminds me we’re empowered and creatures of action, not docile beings trip trapping along.